December 16, 2019

Review Prom Night II (1987)


Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

There's an early kill where this girl is about to get decapitated in a really cool way but then they trick you and end up just hanging her. Now a decapitation is way cooler than a hanging but I was thinking it made sense cuz you can make a hanging look like a suicide but you couldn't do that with a decapitation.  But then they THROW THE BODY OUT THE WINDOW. You can't hang urself and then jump out a window.  But what I was doing was trying to apply "logic" to this film.  That's my fault.

This film is bat-shit, bug-fucking, bonkers and I love it.  First off (and don't @ me) the original Prom Night is a bad movie. It's a generic slasher with a generic villain, and it's all around forgettable and I have no idea why Randy was so obsessed with it in Scream (he shoulda went with Terror Train). But for some unattainable reason 7 years after that weak ass film someone took a script that had nothing to do with the film Prom Night, changed the title, and slapped Prom Night II on there and ya know what? If that's the only reason we got to see this glorious madness then god  bless whoever made that decision.

The characters die in a slasher film order kinda way but the film plays more like Carrie meets The Exorcist if it was written by someone who only had the plots of those two films described to them... and was an insane person.

This movie is wild and there's a kill involving a gym locker that's just jumped to one of my favorite on screen deaths.  Fuck The Godfather Part II, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II is my new go to answer for a sequel that is better than the original.  And HML:PN2 is a million times better than Prom Night, I don't care how much Jamie Lee Curtis disco dancing there is.

Available on Shudder, Amazon Prime, and free on Tubi and Vudu with ads.

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Review Psycho Sisters (1998)


Psycho Sisters (1994)

Around 11:15pm and I don't know how many beers deep the second film of the night started, Psycho Sisters. Now this film threw me for a loop and I thought I was being gaslighted. I watched the trailer for this movie but this looked different.
After the film i looked it up again on youtube. I was utterly baffled.  There was the trailer with the same story but different actors.  IMDB listed a Psycho Sisters from 1998 with the same plot but different actors.  Was I going crazy? Did this movie exist? What the fuck is going on?

Well apparently in the low budget SOV world movies would often get remade usually due to receiving a slightly larger budget, access to a semi-recognizable face (I'm talking z-grade actors here), or just the filmmaker wants to take another crack at it after gaining some more experience.  Turns out this film was remade in 1998 and that version is more widely available.  So go to YouTube and watch the trailer for the 1998 movie... and then imagine a movie of even lower quality and you've got this.

It's actually a lot of fun. There's a doctor who's sole purpose is to deliver exposition while being incredibly blunt.  It seems like there's a title card showing a jump in time (i.e., One Year Later) in between almost every scene, it honestly happens so much it becomes laughable. And while there isn't much gore the titular siblings cut off and collect a lot of dicks. Like a whole bunch of 'em. A whole closet full of jars. Jars and jars of cocks.

There's an incredibly abrupt rape scene early on in the movie which kinda sets off the whole plot so here's your warning.  This is definitely not for everyone.  It's got a super sleazy tone and it's either gonna turn you off or be the exact reason why you watch it.

Also by the end of the film due to a change in temperature there was hella condensation on my windshield and no matter how much I wiped my windshield was steadily losing visibility.  I had to watch the last couple minutes with my head out the window and suddenly it became obvious why everyone else brought lawn chairs.

December 15, 2019

Review Q (1982)


Q: The Winged Serpent

You ever watch a gritty 70's/early 80's era NYC set crime film and thought, "Gee willikers you know what this film could use? A giant Aztec lizard bird god." Of course you didn't because that would be an insane reaction but you know who had that thought?  Goddamn maverick filmmaker Larry Cohen god bless this man and rest in peace.

For real.  Imagine if in the middle of Mean Streats a goddamn Qwetz... Quatz... Qcuts... (googling furiously) Quetzalcoatl the Aztec diety showed up and just started eating motherfucker's heads off.

Guys this movie shouldn't be good but it's goddamn terrific.  And a huge reason is actor Michael Moriarty.  I'm talking Nicolas Cage level acting choices here.  This guy fucking brings it.  He's just wild in every fucking scene.  Extremely comfortable and confident in his decisions which are all incredibly unique.  He literally bebops and scats his way through scenes as a jazz pianist/small time crook, alcoholic, ex junkie, wife beater who holds the city hostage with a giant lizard bird diety and he's our fucking hero AND YOU LIKE HIM!. Seriously this is a fantastic wild and weird movie that expertly smashed together 2 wildly different genres, the 70's crime and cop film with a monster movie.  Absolutely highest of recommendations.

It's available on Amazon Prime, Tubi and Shudder in the regular version but also the Joe Bob Briggs hosted Last Drive-In version which I highly recommend you check out.

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Review Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)


Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Having picked the trilogy up in the 2nd grade I fell in love not only with the otherworldly and incredibly creepy illustrations by Stephen Gammell but with the way Alvin Schwartz wasn't afraid to confront children with not just any death but the their very own mortality.  Not only through stories but poems and songs he made death a little more easily digestible for children while still being scary yet always honest.

Worried that the film would resemble Goosebumps from a few years earlier, I was relieved to see them put there own spin on what felt like a similar plot. Instead of stories from the book coming to life, this "entity" makes your deepest fears come true and then they get added to the book as "scary stories." This is where the films strongest parts are, bringing the horrifying images from the books to life.  Specifically Harold and The Pale Lady stand out and create some truly terrifying scenes.  But the "entity" that's causing all this horror is where this film misses the mark.  It's standard ghost story tropes for a large portion of it's runtime.

I can probably off the top of my head name a dozen films about a ghost with a tragic past where someone has to investigate what really happened so they can set it right. Its been done to death and while this one might fall in the middle of that list quality-wise it's just a tired plot at this point. And that's the problem because there are just better PG-13 horror films out there you could watch in its place.  The Ring and The Changeling both have the same "wronged-ghost" subplot and I think both are considerably better films.
While it might be too scary for very young children others will be able to relate more to the young cast. Also making it a period piece definitely adds a nice little flourish to a familiar story. Ultimately the scenes based on the illustrations are just too few and far between.  On top of that the ending is ubrupt and unsatisfying.  It's not terrible but I can't help but feel like they did a disservice to these stories.  Instead of these incredibly frightening and diverse stories we got a criminally over used and uninspired ghost story.

December 14, 2019

Review Seed of Chucky (2004)


Seed of Chucky

While many consider this one a misstep I was eagerly waiting to revisit this one now in 2019 and see how it played.  This is the first film in the series to be directed by its creator and writer of all previous installments, Don Mancini.

Ultimately it doesn't quite land like some of the other entries mainly for me because how heavily it tips the scales into comedy. Actually it's a straight up full blown comedy.  Sure it has some gore but it's almost always played for laughs.  But for the most part the comedy works, Jennifer Tilly again steals the film this time not only playing killer doll Tiffany but a fictionalized version of actress Jennifer Tilly herself (with plenty of comedy coming from this role). Even though Bride of Chucky set the course for this entry it ultimately goes a little too far away from its horror roots.  I actually gained a little bit more appreciation rewatching it and that's largely to the addition of divisive new titular character, Glen/Glenda.

I wasn't sure how this was gonna play in 2019 to be honest.  As someone who lives with the privilege of not having to be subjected to homophobia/transphobia/any type of gender or sexual discrimination it's not fair for me to make a judgement on how well this character represents any kinda of genderqueer/non-binary community. Google it and you'll find better takes written by actual members of the LGBTQ+ community.

Don Mancini, a member of the LGTBQ+ community himself, doesn't shy away from parodying the genre's long history with unfortunate tropes regarding these matters (obvious references to Psycho and Ed Wood's Glen or Glenda?). But the thing that struck me here is the ultimate message of acceptance.  Glen/Glenda's parents come to accept them as non-binary.  Let that sink in. Even murderous killer doll Chucky becomes supportive of their child (as long as they kill). Y'all mf'ers have no excuse.  If Chucky can do it so can you.

It might not be everyone's cup of tea but goddamn it's deliberately bold and that's better than boring.  Who would have expected the 5th Chucky film to be such a heartwarming family film?

Review Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre (2015)


Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre

Do I really have to?  I'm pretty sure after taking one look at that title you know exactly what kinda film this is going to be.  That title alone conjures up a detailed picture in your mind that's going to be more accurate than anything I could describe here. That title basically rendered my job pointless, yet here I am.

When this started I was pretty sure that every actor in this was an "adult film star" (I'll have you know, excluding Traci Lords, only 2 are!) This is the kinda movie where all the female prisoners wear the standard prison garments of tight white tank tops and daisy dukes. This is the kinda film where no one knows how to drink water properly, no one can seem to get it into their mouth, it just keeps spilling all over them.

Now while I was looking up these actresses on IMDB to confirm my earlier hypothesis I was shocked as fuck to realize one of the leads, Dominique Swain, was in Lolita opposite Jeremy Irons in the 90's! Wtf!?! She was also Travolta's daughter in Face/Off! Now she shares the screen with other actors whose credits include Sexy Wives Sinsations and Sexipede!

I'm not gonna knock anyone for ending up in the film. The movie industry is a tough business and there are plenty of people who would kill to switch places.  You go get that money.  Also it's actually no where near the "skinemax" level soft-core porn film I'm making it sound like. There surprisingly is no nudity in this and frankly the sfx are better than you would expect.

There's plenty of better shark attack movies out there and most of them are probably more fun than this but I feel like it's ultimately pointless for me to come down on either side of the fence with this film. You're either going to watch Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre or you're not, nothing I say will change that.

Available on Tubi (if you must). #horror #horrofanatic #horrorlover #horrorjunkie #horroraddict #horrorfan #horrorgram #horrorfilm #horrormovie #horrornerd #movieoftheday #moviereview #instagram #instagood #instafilm #instahorror  #horrorgeek #summer #jaws #shark #sharkweek #beach #vacation #theshore #ocean  #sharkattack #sharkweek2019

December 13, 2019

Review Sharkenstein (2016)


Sharkenstein

Instead of running out of higher quality shark films immediately, I chose to dive right into the bottom of the "Syfy Original" level quality barrel so I could spread 'em out a bit.  Scrolling through the endless shark attack trash on Amazon something caught my eye. "Directed by Mark Polonia" one half of the infamous Polonia Brothers that i've been a bit obsessed with since exploring the SOV horror scene (expect some more Polonia Brothers film reviews in the near future). Jack-fucking-pot.

The Polonia's had no money but they were passionate, determined, and full of ingenuity... 30 years ago.  The problem is Mark doesn't seem to have gotten any better since then.  What once was forgiven due to its charm, now it's amateurness becomes apparent.  It was endearing as a teenage filmmaker but just doesn't fly now as a middle-age dude.
And speaking of middle aged men who act like teenagers that pretty much describes the male leads. One of them goes to the beach in long khaki pants with a button up shirt tucked in... and a baseball hat with brim turned completely sideways.  I hate this man. The woman is only marginally better but has a permanent look of "I smell shit" (spoiler: it's probably the script). They were pioneers in SOV movies but after 30 years of technical advances where you can shoot a professional looking film on your phone there's just no excuse for quality this bad.  The fx look like cut and pasted images.  Shots consistently don't match lighting.  The acting is middle school theater level bad but all of this would be fine if it was just a little fun which unfortunately it's not.
The film slightly and I mean really fucking SLIGHTLY picks up when the shark mutates but it basically looks like a Street Sharks hand puppet which I actually kinda liked and at least at this point the fucking doofus in the hat was dead. God I hated this man.

This is honestly below Syfy Original level.  Not a "so bad it's good film" just a bad film. The best part was recognizing the Ocean City NJ boardwalk in one shot cuz I used to vacation there. Gone are the glorious days of the Polonia Brothers shitting out knives.

Review Sharknado (2013)


Shark Week: Day 7

Sharknado

Here we fucking go! The title that launched a 100 low budget trash quality ripoffs. I have done no research but am 100% certain this film got picked up based on the name alone.  Listen, Syfy knew exactly what they were doing when they released this film but I've always been skeptical about films that are purposefully bad. Can you set out to make a cult film?

Well, no. Movies that are so bad they are good have to honestly think they are good first but Sharknado does manage to scratch the bare minimum itch of entertainment along with hella camp.  Out of all the trash films I watched at least this one actually has things happen in it.  There are sharks. There are tornadoes. There are z-list celebrities (oh John Heard what happened to you?). There are chainsaws. There are bombs. Good enough for me.

By no means a good movie but by all means a fun movie to put on with a handful of friends and a couple of beers.  It's dumb as fuck but unlike a lot of the shit I watched it at least doesn't break my number 1 rule of don't be boring.  This is pretty much the gold standard of Syfy Original films.  If you're into these "kitschy" style films they make then honestly this is probably the best from the once reputable home of Battlestar Galactica.

I still prefer films that are sincere in their quest for cinematic glory like The Room or Birdemic but this film has a dude with a chainsaw who gets swallowed by a shark and then cuts himself out of it's belly and pulls out a woman who was swallowed earlier and they all live so I mean come on... that's kinda cool.

Available on Amazon Prime.  I hope y'all had a wonderful Shark Week!

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December 12, 2019

Review Sledgehammer (1983)


Sledgehammer

This is what I'm fucking talking about.  Just pure SOV insanity. Beam this shit straight into my fucking eyeballs.

It opens with a pretty great skull smashing from the titular weapon then we catch up with our main cast and... well the dudes are just a bunch of meat head jocks who pretty much are exactly what you'd expect, just the most condescending, pandering, misogynists. They treat their girlfriends pretty terribly throughout the run time.  I'm not trying to make light of sexism but considering how goofy these fucks are and how terrible the acting and dialogue is it all comes across as shockingly hilarious.

Yo we haven't even gotten to the killer who is a ghost? I think, they phase in and out of existence and through walls and can teleport people into their evil room (you know it's evil cuz of the pentagram on the wall). And sometimes the killer is a child? Uhm... a super strong child that can withstand the full force closed fist punch of an adult.

There is so much bat shit bonkers stuff about this movie.  The sets are so bare, they're all just empty ass white rooms.  Apparently the final cut was too short so the director made a ton of scenes slow motion just to pad out the runtime.  I can just go on forever listing the ridiculous shit about this movie but that wouldn't really be a review, would it. Just watch it yourself.

This is the one that started it all. The first shot on video direct to video film.  This is movie history and it's absolutely insane. I give this all the stars!

Overall an absolutely amazing night at the drive-in!

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Review Street Trash (1987)


Street Trash
Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key might be the coolest name but I can't think of a more apt name for any film than this.  It is absolute trash.  Good thing I love trash.

Now homelessness is a huge issue and I think you should judge a society on how they treat their lowest and if you were to believe that and saw this film you'd be thinking "wtf is up with America? it's just full of crazy hobos!" Seriously they have a little hobo society with a hobo hierarchy and hobo garbage dump palaces like a hobo Game of Thrones.  It's ridiculous.

The movie starts pretty strong with absolutely amazing sfx.  We get one of the coolest melting hobo scenes ever put to film.  It's disgusting and sleazy and must be seen.

Then unfortunately the film kinda meanders for a bit.  It's pretty low quality and there isn't really much of a plot.  But 2 big things happen.
1. A hobo gets his dick cut off and all the other hobos play football with it inside a salvage yard.  And good for this movie, you never see genital mutilations in other genre's like rom coms or court room dramas. +1 for horror.

2. (Trigger warning, like huge fucking trigger warning) There's a hobo gang rape.  These dirty filthy hobos descend on this poor women like a wild pack of dogs. I breathed a sigh of relief that they actually don't show anything beside them dragging her away but even the implication was pretty rough. It's a trashy sleazy film but even this kinda stands out as extra cruel.
Oh I guess there's also a weird mafia subplot that gets introduced halfway through the film but whatev.

After the penis football and hobo assault we finally get back to the good part and that's melting hobos. And boy oh boy do they melt. They melt, they bubble, they drip, they explode.  The third act is an absolutely amazing string of sfx highlights that makes it worth sitting through it's slow middle.

Oh and there's also necrophilia in this movie.

Seriously it's Troma level quality with a ton of sleaze, zero plot, but awesome sfx.  You know if you're the type of person who wants to watch it.

Available on Shudder also as part of Joe Bob Briggs The Last Drive-in.

December 11, 2019

Review The Deadly Spawn (1983)


The Deadly Spawn

As I settled being the wheel (of my PARKED car) with a cooler full of beer in the backseat, I hunkered down for my first drive in movie, The Deadly Spawn.  This was the only film of the night that I've seen before but I've been looking to re-watch it.  The drive in is a whole other experience and the first thing I realized was, "damn was my windshield always this dirty?" The Deadly Spawn has a lot of what you'd expect from such low budget fare like weak acting, a singular location, etc etc... because it seems like whatever the budget was on this movie it all went to one area and that's the creature.  Listen acting, location, wardrobe, lighting, etc whatever, these are all important aspects of filmmaking yadda yadda but they all cost money and to be honest if you don't have an award winning script in hand then fuck those other departments and spend all your money on a dope ass monster.

The Deadly Spawn has one of the coolest fucking creatures in straight up any movie. The fact that this amazingly awesome nightmare worm somehow comes from such a low budget production makes it even more impressive.

And listen just because I joke about all the money being spent on the creature doesn't mean the rest of the movie is bad, in fact it's pretty damn good.  The characters while maybe not portrayed by the greatest thespians of our time are at least written differently from the standard horror movie fodder.  They're decently likable human being that you don't mind spending 80 minutes with. It's surprising how many films with a lot more money manage to fuck this up.

But back to the creature cuz that's why we're all here. There's some great gore sequences as the muti-fanged alien slug munches it's fair share of unlucky side characters. Throw in some surprising deaths and an incredible dinner scene involving some old ladies and plenty of tiny mutant penis-looking vampire worms and you got yourself a genuine fun as fuck wild ride of a film.
Seriously this should be checked out based on the awesome creature work alone at the very least.

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Review The Meg (2018)


The Meg

A year ago in my gushing review of Deep Blue Sea (my hat is like a shark's fin) I opined my displeasure with with disappearance of larger budgeted animal attack films and specifically mentioned The Meg as a hopeful return films of this nature.  That August I hunkered down in one of those lavish AMC Dolby recliners and prepared myself for some shark munching insanity.

I never took notes from that screening since I knew I was going to wait until next shark week to review it but there was an analogy that I came up with and almost a year removed from that screening I still remember it.  Rewatching the film this year it couldn't be more appropriate. "The Meg is like bowling with the bumpers up." Put that shit on your fucking poster.  Listen Jaws was rated fucking PG and had more teeth than this 40 years ago!  This is the definition playing it safe.

And it's not just the lack of gore, it's just everything about this film is so milquetoast. I love Statham in the Crank films but his job here is pretty much just you know, be Jason Statham.  There's a whole mess of side characters that range from "ok" to "just exists so Statham can have drama." Rainn Wilson might be the only one with a real character if you consider "douchey tech billionaire" a character.
People die in bloodless obscured scenes that deprive us of what we really want, an ancient giant shark shredding people between it's jaws.  Not every shark movie needs gore, plenty are incredibly suspenseful and engaging but this is not one of them and it's certainly not why we came to see this film about a giant ass shark.

We get some people gobbled up in a 3rd act sequence that is way too little too late which again is bloodless and shows next to nothing.  The action sequences aren't worth enough to get your heart rate to rise above a fart. I know it seems I'm being harsh and it's definitely not the worst film you could watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon but this is the Soccer Mom Van of shark movies.  We can do so much better.

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December 10, 2019

Review The Perfection (2018)


The Perfection

Do. Not. Read. This. Review.  Go watch the movie.  Why are you still here?

In the ever evolving debate over spoilers (recently brought up again due to Avengers Endgame and Game of Thrones) I have an opinion and while I'm not gonna debate you I'll cater to both sides here.  If you like to go into a movie blind and know absolutely nothing then this is definitely a film you should do that with.  Go right now. Don't watch that trailer. Just go.

Now if you don't care, well that's up to you.  I'm not gonna spoil anything here but in my opinion you should know as little as possible but it's your choice. Read on at your own discretion.

Netflix greenlights so many things these days I'm not entirely sure they know what their making. Seriously who signed off on this film?  It's fucking crazy. Like legit fucking nuts. Bonkers. Bat-shit. Bug-fuck. And it's dark as hell.  Like the inside-of-John-Wayne-Gacy's-crawlspace-on-a-moonless-night dark.  I'm not gonna give spoilers here but this film is not gonna be for everyone.  But goddamn is it so much for me. This is extremely my shit. Its wild, beautifully shot, and just harrowing. There so much I wanna talk about but you really should experience every twist and turn for yourself.

With all of these Netflix originals now they just seem to fly under the radar but do not let this one pass you by.  Probably the most daring and original horror film ever to come out of Netflix and one of my faves of the year so far.  Incredibly fucked up and all too relevant right now.  It takes some wild turns and its bound to touch on at least one of your phobias.  There's gonna be a lot of squirming in your seat.

This is your recommendation and your warning.
Available on Netflix

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Review Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key (1972)


Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key

Wait. Let's just let that title sit for a bit.  How fucking good is that title?  70's Italian Giallo's have the best fucking names.  Ok, now that we've all appreciated the greatest title in horror history (don't @ me) let's talk about the film.

Wtf!? It says it's "freely adapted" from Edgar Allan Poe's The Black Cat and "freely" is a damn understatement.  I won't spoil anything but if you're familiar with Poe's story then there is one key famous element taken from his story but the rest is pure Sergio Martino madness and thank god for that.

For real this opened with one of the most bizarre scenes I've ever seen.  Like it took my brain a good 5 minutes to recover and start making sense of this movie.  It's not even like deliberately abstract or anything it's just THIS ISN'T HOW HUMAN BEINGS ACT.  Get ready for one of the most awkward dinner party scenes in existence.

It's pretty much immediately established that the lead dude is like the worst fucking person you've ever met.  The. FUCKING. Worst.  A misogynistic, adultering, racist who also somehow manages to just fuck anything that movies whether they want to or not (trigger warning). It's a Giallo so of course there are murders, the police suspect our main asshole and his own wife becomes suspicious of him so to get her to believe him he CONSTANTLY THREATENS TO MURDER HER.  This dude is fucking dense.

Then his niece played by Edwige Fenech shows up and guess what Captain Douchebag wants to do? If you guessed fuck his niece, you'd be right and gross.  Listen Edwige is one of the most attractive film actress from this era but goddamn bro she family.

Listen. There's a lot more murders, even more incest, some weird ass out of no where subplots, lesbians, motorcycle races, nudity, and cats all presented under the GREATEST GODDAMN FILM TITLE!

I'm giving it all the stars.  70's Italian Giallos are the best and all your favorite 80's slashers just stole from them, shush you know it.

Available on Amazon Prime.

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