December 13, 2019

Review Sharkenstein (2016)


Instead of running out of higher quality shark films immediately, I chose to dive right into the bottom of the "Syfy Original" level quality barrel so I could spread 'em out a bit.  Scrolling through the endless shark attack trash on Amazon something caught my eye. "Directed by Mark Polonia" one half of the infamous Polonia Brothers that i've been a bit obsessed with since exploring the SOV horror scene (expect some more Polonia Brothers film reviews in the near future). Jack-fucking-pot.

The Polonia's had no money but they were passionate, determined, and full of ingenuity... 30 years ago.  The problem is Mark doesn't seem to have gotten any better since then.  What once was forgiven due to its charm, now it's amateurness becomes apparent.  It was endearing as a teenage filmmaker but just doesn't fly now as a middle-age dude.
And speaking of middle aged men who act like teenagers that pretty much describes the male leads. One of them goes to the beach in long khaki pants with a button up shirt tucked in... and a baseball hat with brim turned completely sideways.  I hate this man. The woman is only marginally better but has a permanent look of "I smell shit" (spoiler: it's probably the script). They were pioneers in SOV movies but after 30 years of technical advances where you can shoot a professional looking film on your phone there's just no excuse for quality this bad.  The fx look like cut and pasted images.  Shots consistently don't match lighting.  The acting is middle school theater level bad but all of this would be fine if it was just a little fun which unfortunately it's not.
The film slightly and I mean really fucking SLIGHTLY picks up when the shark mutates but it basically looks like a Street Sharks hand puppet which I actually kinda liked and at least at this point the fucking doofus in the hat was dead. God I hated this man.

This is honestly below Syfy Original level.  Not a "so bad it's good film" just a bad film. The best part was recognizing the Ocean City NJ boardwalk in one shot cuz I used to vacation there. Gone are the glorious days of the Polonia Brothers shitting out knives.


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